It's raining in Ohio...

Today is one of those days where all you want to do is stay in your jammies and watch TV or read all day...who could possibly be motivated to actually go outside and do something in this crap. It's cold, rainy, windy, and just all around crappy outside.

The day started of great...I was able to sleep until a little after 8...crawled out of the warm cozy bed and paddled off to the bathroom. George had already made a pot of coffee, and it was the real deal..Maxwell House, not the powdered stuff that "said" it was coffee, but was not exactly what it claimed to be. I love early morning with him, Brian is still asleep, and we always get this quiet time on the weekends. I got online for a bit, read him things and checked email..and just hung out talking with him. After a couple of hours, Brian was up, and having breakfast, and I was ready to have a bath. We have a really deep Jacuzzi bathtub...George put it in about 5 years ago for me because we had hoped it would help my muscle pain. It does help, and it's so deep, but I am unable to push the button that turns it on by myself..I've tried everything..even the end of a toothbrush to push that damn button in, but it just ain't gonna happen. The only time I can get it on is if George is here to turn it on and off for me...once, he forgot me and went outside and no matter how loud I hollered, he didn't hear me....I couldn't get out, b/c you have to turn it off or else it will suck in air and then it's gonna be broken for sure...George gave me a lecture on the "Mandatory" turn it off b/f exiting rule when he first installed it. Oh! I forgot! I promised ya'll a recipe!

This is my very favorite recipe in the whole wide world..it's just an amazing blend of textures and flavors when you actually eat it...it's just killer. And I promise, this is the recipe that legends are made of...

This is what you'll need:

2lbs green seedless grapes
2 lbs red seedless grapes
8 oz. sour cream
8 oz. cream cheese, softened
1/2 cup granulated sugar
1 tsp. vanilla extract

Topping ingredients
1/2 cup brown sugar
1 cup crushed pecans..toasted is nice, but not necessary

wash up all the grapes, and make sure you take all the stems out..
mix up your sour cream, cream cheese, white sugar, and vanilla by hand until blended up
Stir in all those lovely grapes, try not to break them..you want them to pop when you bite into them...
Pour it all in a large serving bowl...any shape will do..I use a large tupperware bowl
combine your brown sugar and crushed pecans and sprinkle it all over the grapes until it's covered completely...and just stick it in the fridge...the longer it's in there the better, at least a couple of hours...
Watch how fast it goes...it's so easy, and yet sooooo amazing...

Anywhoo...we've cooked for the whole weekend this afternoon...meatballs and sauce, meatloaf, apple cobbler, and brownies...it smells so good in here, and we all helped so it made it alot easier. Now all of the dishes are done, and George is napping on the couch. He and Brian are going out to hunt deer with their bows in a little bit...Brian just started hunting this year, he hasn't gotten his first deer yet..I won't eat it, so it's all good by me if he doesn't get one..but let's not tell him or his Dad about that... :o) Not much of a fan of wild meats...fish is all good, but that Bambi connection won't get outta my mind...our kitty, Baby Monkey, has been quite lovely this afternoon..he put himself under the water faucet in the kitchen this morning..he has a thing for the little whirlpool that happens when you let the water out..and he likes the noise the pipes make that come up outta the sink...He also brushed his teeth and chin with his Crest Spin Brush..that's always entertaining to me..He runs into the bathroom when he hears the sonic toothbrush turn on..it's been difficult explaining to George why the cat has to have his own spinbrush...see, a couple of months ago, he was watching me use the sonic...he really seemed interested, so I let him try it out...it was hilarious! He'd hold it in his little paws and rub his face all over it..thing was..I switched my brush b/f I tried it...I really didn't think he'd go so crazy over it...and I had put the only other sonic brush tip on that we had....Georges.... :O So I gave him a sonic and kept my mouth closed...shhhhhh, it's a secret... :o)

Well, I'm gonna go have a cozy cuddle in my Lazy-Boy with my soft woobie and my sweet little woojeeboo Baby Monkey...Ya'll have a wonderfully cozy day where ever you may be and enjoy your Saturday Night!......Hugs!

writing the actual "List"

I was given a homework assignment from my psycho-therapist last night, she asked me to make a list of my good qualities...the ones that I see myself..I've thought very hard about this, and am ready to attempt to put them down and explain them...I don't think she wants me to try to explain them, but I'll feel like I've left it undone if I don't do that too...

Here we go:

1.) I am Loyal...this can be either a good thing, or a bad thing. My mom used to say I'd follow someone to the gallows if I felt it was the right thing to do to support the person I believed in. I was always very loyal to my employers during my nursing tenor also. That Loyalty was not always two sided.
2.) I am honest...to a fault. My eldest daughter wrote me a poem once, and the line she wrote was "The gift of honesty, Brutality, at times, being the best medicine.."I can't say any more than that does....
3.) I am empathetic...I feel others pain..and being maternal, I want to take care of them..and am no longer able to see myself in that capacity..
4.) I am kind...I never intentionally hurt anyone...it makes me feel sick to my stomach when I do something that hurts someone...
5.) I think I'm pretty smart...I still kick ass when we play "Jeopardy" on TV...
6.) I am forgiving...I have had to be the "Bigger Person" more times than is fair...I am tired of this role...
7.) I'm a good cook...this is what I am told..and I do like my food the best...
8.) I love animals...certainly someone who loves their animals like I do can't be all bad...
9.) I think I'm thoughtful...I try to think things out before I say or do things so I don't step on anybodies toes..I think this may be a negative also, as I always feel like I have to be so cautious, I can't just be myself in many situations...
10.) I have initiative...I used to have more drive, more energy, more stamina..it was easier to be a starter...that's changed a lot as of late...
11.) I am funny sometimes...not quick witted, just kind of ridiculous from time to time, I am told..
12.) I love deeply...
13.) I am tough...I have an extremely high pain tolerance...I push threw so much pain and sadness...it sometimes becomes overwhelming..the pain and the worry..but I am tough...I keep telling myself that....

I hate to stop on the number 13...but I've hit a slump...I keep thinking about the negatives...for some reason, they keep coming to the front of my brain...I'm tired, I'm sad, I'm in pain everyday, I am afraid of the future, I am heartbroken about my relationships w/ my kids, I'm no longer the Colleen I used to be...it takes so much effort to keep pushing..she was a great person, I loved being her...but this new Colleen, it's taking a lot of patience and understanding to get used to her...the life I have to live now is much different than the life I used to have, or the one I always hoped to have...It's very hard to accept the limitations that my body has put on me..the changes that keep happening...and I wish my mind would shut off more often..this thinking all of the time thing isn't fun...Oh well...It finished...the list...how did I do?.... :oS

The List....

Today is October 15th...first, I must acknowledge that tomorrow, Oct. 16th will be my youngest daughter Jessy's 25th birthday. I wouldn't feel right if it wasn't mentioned. She's quite a remarkable young woman...and that's all I wanted to say on that subject...

Okay...today, I had an appointment with my Psycho /analyst Joanne..she's wonderful, and she really makes me think..I end up finishing her sentences. So the patient/therapist thing is good. I feel comfortable with her, so I can relax in that department. It's very stressful for me for a few hours before any medical appointment these days..I don't really know why...but George and I discussed the possibility of him going into my therapy session with me. I don't have anything to hide from him, he knows everything about me...probably more than I do...so I thought it would help him to understand the process and where I'm at in my mind these days....

I don't quite understand why, but whenever the therapist hits a nerve of psychological pain, I start crying..instantly...it's all down hill from there...She has tissues, but they flake and get all these little white tissue balls all over the place. The boo-hooing starts on my part, and she peels back a skin from my onion...Who do I see myself as? What makes me worthy? Why is there so little self esteem? I started babbling...tears and snot and bits of tissue stuck to my cheeks..George must take over and answer the questions for me as best he can...I can't get my shit together..my head is just spinning..I can't get it to stop...always on...always thinking. It's maddening...sometimes it actually scares me..those are the nights I have trouble sleeping..or don't sleep at all. She understands this, and checks my medication list...yes, antidepressant...What? No anti-anxiety medication? Nothing here to help my mind take a break..she decides she would rather I see a different Psychiatrist..one that is willing to work closely with her, and I take his business card.

She gave me a homework assignment..which kinda suprised me...she wants a list of all my good qualities...this might seem like an easy task to some...but I see it as a mountain....I have to stop now and make an admission..I have always felt in my heart, like a second class person..I never deserved the "good life"...the kind of life of the very rich and "worthy" people.

I always shopped only from sale racks..never the full price section..always bought food on sale, shoes, used cars except for 1, a modular home instead of a brick mansion, always ate a hamburger and never the steak...some will understand this unfortunately. I never felt "good enough". Good enough for what, I'm not sure...Life has just always been so damn hard. Every single day. My Dad used to tell us our family had a black cloud that followed us, and my husband is very adamant that we have the "Murphy Curse" of bad luck...so catching a break has always just been a fleeting hope...rarely a reality...

So now I must sit down, paper in hand, and address this question...I believe I'll do it tomorrow, after a good nights sleep. It's a question never asked before, and will take some time to ponder.
The rest of the appt. continued to have me in tears, we addressed my illnesses, the disability,depression, OCD, my husband, mother, kids...very informative for Joanne, it turned out that it was a wonderful help having George there...he could add things from his perspective which helped her alot she said. We finished, and scheduled for another appt. next week.

After these sessions..there is such a feeling of emotional exhaustion. It comes down and lands like a cloud...My Mom says when you quit coming out the the therapist's office drained and emotional, then you're almost better. If that's true, the road ahead looks very very long...

She gave me one other instruction..she said that it was time to contact Jessy..it would be the right thing to do. Be the bigger person, once again, no matter that I was so hurt by her, just let it go. I don't know if I can do this. I'm just too emotional right now, the wrong thing would come out and once again, back to the dog house...I don't think I'm strong enough to handle another rejection right now.. She really is a wonderful young woman..very kind and considerate...but I'm just not ready...Until tomorrow....

Let's try this again...

Well, I decided that I preferred this blog site...tried another, but it just didn't work well for me.

This past week was very interesting...I had to go have what's called a "Functional Capacity Evaluation" at a Physical Therapy place called "Lifelines"...it was done to determine exactly what my limitations are at the present time. It was split into two days, the first for measuring exactly how far my large joints bend this way and that way...whether I could lift my legs from a laying down position, which I couldn't do w/o the assistance of the therapist. That whole thing made my butt hurt like hell..it pulled all the way from ankle to ass and made me holler out..they also poked in each and every nook and cranny of my spine, from the base of my skull to my hiney..that was pretty agonizing, as I have so many sore spots as of late. They had me squeeze this big metal thing to measure the strength of my hands..it was so heavy I had to prop it on my knee..that was considered cheating, but I really couldn't lift the damn thing. They reset it 5 times pulling it further out so I'd have to really open my hand to hold it..I had to manually put my thumbs on the outside of it just to grasp the thing. They did balance tests, which I failed being that I tend to go to the right and fall backwards from time to time..ok, truth, I hang onto any and everything available when walking just to keep my balance and stay off the floor. Some days are better than others. They checked to see how far I could turn my head, which of course wasn't much being my neck is all titanium plates and screws...this whole exam took 3 hours, and my Mom sat and watched, she was curious about the whole process... When we finished the first day, I was exhausted, sore, and very frustrated. Mom wanted to go out to eat, and we did go, but to be honest, I was sick to my stomach and hurting too much to really eat.. She took me home, and I ended up on the couch for 5 hours afterwards...I hoped that it wasn't going to be any worse on day 2, but I was wrong...
Day two started off with easy things, like walking 6 minutes around the inside of the building, I had to keep touching the wall, there were lots of right hand turns..I was proud that I stayed on my feet. They put cardiac monitors on my chest for the second day, and monitored my BP, pulse, and O2 Sats during the whole process. Every time we finished with a task, they would write down how the task affected those numbers...needless to say, they always went up. After the walk, came the hard parts. Everything changed into sets of 10..I had to walk 100 ft 10 times, then carry a basket with weights in it 10 times for 100 ft..first with both hands, then with one hand only..I literally had deep indentations in my hands from hanging onto that basket...then she made me lift the same basket and put it on a shelf at chest level 10 times, then she raised the shelf and I had to lift the basket with weights 10 times and put it on and take it off that shelf. The last thing I had to do was the most agonizing...I had to bend over as far as I could, which was only about 6 inches 5 times, then squat as far as I could, which wasn't very far, 5 times, then pretend I was passing meds and doing general nursing tasks. This was all timed, and the pretending thing kinda threw me for a loop. I mean, how do you pretend to open little unit dose meds when your thumbs don't work? And how do you pretend to answer a phone? This whole process took 3 hours, the therapist said they were trying to simulate an 8 hour work day into 3 hours...OMG...I have never been so relieved to have finished something in my whole life.

There's a part of each and every one of us who sees a test of any kind as a challenge..and something that we Don't want to fail..that's my nature...even though I knew my best wasn't good enough, I still tried.

Today is now Sunday...the tests were on Wednesday and Thursday, and I'm still recovering. My hands are swollen and sore, the back is stiff and full of muscle spasms. I would hate to think what my body would do if I had to work 5 days a week, 8 hours a day...it would kill me. I've had to use ice packs up and down my back, Lidoderm patches, and heat on my hands.

All of this information will be put into a large report and will be sent to both my PCP and Social Security Disability. They have denied me twice now..without ever laying eyes on me. I was also referred to a Psychiatrist and a Psycho-counselor because this whole process has sent me into a depression that I can't get out of on my own. There are new meds and weekly therapy sessions that will hopefully help...but it's just gotten to be almost too much.

My husband, mother, brother, and best friend Tina are very supportive, as are my twitter friends who are suffering the same diagnosis as I am. That's mywhole support system...If it weren't for these people, I'd have just given up. They keep me going...I'm greatful for this support system...cause without them, life just wouldn't be worth living anymore.

I hope this information helped...and maybe will give others some insight as to part of the whole Disability process and how heartbreaking, bankrupting, and cold the whole process is....