I was given a homework assignment from my psycho-therapist last night, she asked me to make a list of my good qualities...the ones that I see myself..I've thought very hard about this, and am ready to attempt to put them down and explain them...I don't think she wants me to try to explain them, but I'll feel like I've left it undone if I don't do that too...
Here we go:
1.) I am Loyal...this can be either a good thing, or a bad thing. My mom used to say I'd follow someone to the gallows if I felt it was the right thing to do to support the person I believed in. I was always very loyal to my employers during my nursing tenor also. That Loyalty was not always two sided.
2.) I am honest...to a fault. My eldest daughter wrote me a poem once, and the line she wrote was "The gift of honesty, Brutality, at times, being the best medicine.."I can't say any more than that does....
3.) I am empathetic...I feel others pain..and being maternal, I want to take care of them..and am no longer able to see myself in that capacity..
4.) I am kind...I never intentionally hurt anyone...it makes me feel sick to my stomach when I do something that hurts someone...
5.) I think I'm pretty smart...I still kick ass when we play "Jeopardy" on TV...
6.) I am forgiving...I have had to be the "Bigger Person" more times than is fair...I am tired of this role...
7.) I'm a good cook...this is what I am told..and I do like my food the best...
8.) I love animals...certainly someone who loves their animals like I do can't be all bad...
9.) I think I'm thoughtful...I try to think things out before I say or do things so I don't step on anybodies toes..I think this may be a negative also, as I always feel like I have to be so cautious, I can't just be myself in many situations...
10.) I have initiative...I used to have more drive, more energy, more stamina..it was easier to be a starter...that's changed a lot as of late...
11.) I am funny sometimes...not quick witted, just kind of ridiculous from time to time, I am told..
12.) I love deeply...
13.) I am tough...I have an extremely high pain tolerance...I push threw so much pain and sadness...it sometimes becomes overwhelming..the pain and the worry..but I am tough...I keep telling myself that....
I hate to stop on the number 13...but I've hit a slump...I keep thinking about the negatives...for some reason, they keep coming to the front of my brain...I'm tired, I'm sad, I'm in pain everyday, I am afraid of the future, I am heartbroken about my relationships w/ my kids, I'm no longer the Colleen I used to be...it takes so much effort to keep pushing..she was a great person, I loved being her...but this new Colleen, it's taking a lot of patience and understanding to get used to her...the life I have to live now is much different than the life I used to have, or the one I always hoped to have...It's very hard to accept the limitations that my body has put on me..the changes that keep happening...and I wish my mind would shut off more often..this thinking all of the time thing isn't fun...Oh well...It finished...the list...how did I do?.... :oS
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Auntie Kibs,
ReplyDeleteYou did amazingly great! Exactly as honest, thought-provoking and powerful as I thought it'd be. I read it in a very "selfish" way because I saw myself in your words, especially the ending portion where we are basically mourning our former selves. It's an odd comfort to know that I do not struggle alone with this. And to see someone else enduring it and surviving it is life-affirming.
Here's to being brave enough to admit that we are no longer who we used to be or wished to be. That we are just ourselves and that that will HAVE to be ENOUGH. The only other option is dying a slow, boring death from denial; and that ain't no fun, y'all! LOL!
Let me end by doing a small confessional:
Today I woke up dreading the thought of not knowing what is coming after I've had my quiet time without my 4-year-old running around, keeping me on my toes. I dreaded knowing that I don't have the energy I used to have to keep up with him. Just 4 months ago I was an amazingly energetic and happy mom to an amazingly funny, quirky, out-of-the-box, energetic boy. I feel as if I'm failing him.
Sincerest Regards,
Miss Nikki Ann
~Chronic Mystery Illness Sufferer (Possilbe Sjogren's Disease)
~Stroke Survivor (vision lost in left eye for a year from one stroke)
~Cyst on the right ovary that may need to be removed sooner than later
~Cyst on the kidney (so far it's safe)
~Colon Issues (colonoscopy next month)
~3 new heart conditions; which make me prone to fainting, wekaness, nausea, dizziness, light-headedness, palpitations that I mistken for my anxiety attacks...
That's me today. And I must accept what limitations it brings, but find ways to still live life to the fullest (And I'm SLOWLY working on that. SLOWLY.). I am afraid. I am human. I am vulnerable and anxiety-ridden. I am sometimes sad and borderline depressed.
I am I.
Like Miss NikkiAnn, I, too, see a lot of myself in your list. I had to do something similar when I was seeing a therapist. I broke down crying so many times because it was sooooo hard to do!
ReplyDeleteYou did an awesome job and I can completely relate to you feeling like you're not you anymore. I miss the days when I could go out for a nice hike, soak up some sun, run around and chase the kids... those days are long gone and I, too, mourn them as I would mourn someone dying.
As for stopping on #13 - I don't know about you, but the #13 has actually always brought me good luck. I hope that it will do the same for you. <3