Today is October 15th...first, I must acknowledge that tomorrow, Oct. 16th will be my youngest daughter Jessy's 25th birthday. I wouldn't feel right if it wasn't mentioned. She's quite a remarkable young woman...and that's all I wanted to say on that subject...
Okay...today, I had an appointment with my Psycho /analyst Joanne..she's wonderful, and she really makes me think..I end up finishing her sentences. So the patient/therapist thing is good. I feel comfortable with her, so I can relax in that department. It's very stressful for me for a few hours before any medical appointment these days..I don't really know why...but George and I discussed the possibility of him going into my therapy session with me. I don't have anything to hide from him, he knows everything about me...probably more than I do...so I thought it would help him to understand the process and where I'm at in my mind these days....
I don't quite understand why, but whenever the therapist hits a nerve of psychological pain, I start crying..instantly...it's all down hill from there...She has tissues, but they flake and get all these little white tissue balls all over the place. The boo-hooing starts on my part, and she peels back a skin from my onion...Who do I see myself as? What makes me worthy? Why is there so little self esteem? I started babbling...tears and snot and bits of tissue stuck to my cheeks..George must take over and answer the questions for me as best he can...I can't get my shit together..my head is just spinning..I can't get it to stop...always on...always thinking. It's maddening...sometimes it actually scares me..those are the nights I have trouble sleeping..or don't sleep at all. She understands this, and checks my medication list...yes, antidepressant...What? No anti-anxiety medication? Nothing here to help my mind take a break..she decides she would rather I see a different Psychiatrist..one that is willing to work closely with her, and I take his business card.
She gave me a homework assignment..which kinda suprised me...she wants a list of all my good qualities...this might seem like an easy task to some...but I see it as a mountain....I have to stop now and make an admission..I have always felt in my heart, like a second class person..I never deserved the "good life"...the kind of life of the very rich and "worthy" people.
I always shopped only from sale racks..never the full price section..always bought food on sale, shoes, used cars except for 1, a modular home instead of a brick mansion, always ate a hamburger and never the steak...some will understand this unfortunately. I never felt "good enough". Good enough for what, I'm not sure...Life has just always been so damn hard. Every single day. My Dad used to tell us our family had a black cloud that followed us, and my husband is very adamant that we have the "Murphy Curse" of bad luck...so catching a break has always just been a fleeting hope...rarely a reality...
So now I must sit down, paper in hand, and address this question...I believe I'll do it tomorrow, after a good nights sleep. It's a question never asked before, and will take some time to ponder.
The rest of the appt. continued to have me in tears, we addressed my illnesses, the disability,depression, OCD, my husband, mother, kids...very informative for Joanne, it turned out that it was a wonderful help having George there...he could add things from his perspective which helped her alot she said. We finished, and scheduled for another appt. next week.
After these sessions..there is such a feeling of emotional exhaustion. It comes down and lands like a cloud...My Mom says when you quit coming out the the therapist's office drained and emotional, then you're almost better. If that's true, the road ahead looks very very long...
She gave me one other instruction..she said that it was time to contact Jessy..it would be the right thing to do. Be the bigger person, once again, no matter that I was so hurt by her, just let it go. I don't know if I can do this. I'm just too emotional right now, the wrong thing would come out and once again, back to the dog house...I don't think I'm strong enough to handle another rejection right now.. She really is a wonderful young woman..very kind and considerate...but I'm just not ready...Until tomorrow....
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Oh christ. Make me cry why don't you. That must have been as hard to write as it was to experience, because then you have to do it twice. I wish it would have given you catharsis. I wish you strength to compile your list. I joked earlier but I know I wlould equally find it difficult to compile such a list as i too feel so terribly unworthy. I truly love you! (hug)
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